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You Should Tell Them That
The relational power of direct communication.
A Funeral’s Lesson in Communication
Their friend died on Christmas Eve.
It was unexpected and, despite the numerous struggles and the never-ending conflicts, those gathered to mourn and process the sudden death were shocked with heartbreak.
I often find myself officiating funeral services for members of my community, but as I sat and listened to this group of family and friends express their deepest hurts, I realized I was watching an example of something that often plagues our relationships.
The stories were simple — the time they yelled something in Russian while jumping off the diving board, the moment where they chased someone with a yo-yo, the hug they shared just a few weeks ago.
But also, like a breath of fresh air in the room, the stories were honest — the insurmountable frustrations, confusion, division, and antagonism that stemmed from this person’s life.
But now their friend was gone — and each person, no matter how divergent their experiences, expressed the same sentiment:
The world would now be less without their friend in it.
They laughed at the jokes and silly moments, they venerated the profound insights and transformative moments, and they felt the love they had often failed to fully embrace while they were together.
And in this moment of mourning, I saw with clarity an inescapable human predicament.
At funerals, we share affections that we wish we would have said while we were with them.
Why do we carry these profound expressions of love and gratitude while never manifesting them in the world?
Why do we sense a beautiful comment in our minds and keep it from moving to our lips?
Is it easier to compliment someone whose humanity can no longer affect us?
We have all of these thoughts and experiences and pronouncements of goodness that we never allow to leave the confines of our bodies except, maybe, after the recipient of those messages is no longer there…
